To Look Forwards, Backwards, and Sideways

Pocahontas reflects and says, "He wants me to be steady. Like the River... But its not steady at all"

"What I love most about rivers is:
You can't step in the same river twice
The water's always changing, always flowing
But people, I guess, can't live like that
We all must pay a price
To be safe, we lose our chance of ever knowing
What's around the riverbend
Waiting just around the riverbend"

This next year, 2013 for me is full of amazing opportunities, and I am stoked to travel on that pathway of growth, change, success, and new adventures. I am excited to accomplish goals that are bigger then me. I look forward to what new doors will lead to. 

I have been spend some serious time reflecting on how my life experiences have got me to where I am. This reflection has help me realize some of the poor responses, and some of the great responses. I have come to the awareness that within my childhood there are many horrible traumatic experiences that lead me to believe certain lies. Within those lies I allow them to control some of my decision-making process.

- How do I reflect on allowing life to be times where it is rough, but adventurous? 
- How do I find peace in boring times of life?
- Where does fun fit in organization?

- How do I move forward without repeating the same bad patterns?
- How do I continue to embrace the new opportunities infront of me without embracing opportunities that might be unsatisfying
- What does it look like to conclude my academic career at this point in my life with peace?
- What does it look like to have goals now in this season, and long-term goals?

Messy Morning Routines...

My thoughts can come across really jumbled up. Therefore I am going to take sometime to sort through them.

First, It is true! I have made it to the end of another semester in grad school. Wowzers! Totally amazed, by God's strength, and encouragement through this semester.

Second, this has made me think, as the finish line of graduate school becomes more visible, how can I continue to work on weak areas in my life, like organization, and morning routines.

Today is Monday, and a brand new day. This morning I heard this song, and it made me really get so stoked, and the introduction reads,

"I wanna sing of Your love

Wanna sing of Your mercy

I wanna tell the whole world

Of the greatness of You"

I believe this is a wonderful place to start, with a heart exposing the love of God. Also, reconnecting with God will pull me forward into introducing what structure look like. God is sovereign, and is a person who has no anxiety over what tomorrow looks like. I want to be like him, fulfilling my life with peace. Today, I am drawn to the idea of finding a morning routine. For many, this is a way to introduce structure into the day. Maybe I will find structure? Maybe I will find a routine, but ultimately I want to find peace, and success!

I ponder over a website (http://lifehacker.com/5537478/top-10-ways-to-upgrade-your-morning-routine) about morning routines, and it challenged the reader, to try a routine, and then kind of edit to how a person naturally handles it.

So, I thought, hmmm. Let's see.

1. Laundry

2. Dishes

3. Paperwork/Mail Organization

4. Spiritual Time

5. Breakfast

6. Cardio

7. Shower

I wonder how this will look through the next following days. But I am inviting structure. Lets hope it will remove some of the anxiety that comes from living a messy life.

From the Inside Out

"A thousand times I've Failed...." the lyrics start for the song From The Inside Out, by Hillsong United. Many times, we try again and again doing it our way. We have had success in the past, but not quite as well as we have wanted so we try again. We take that one thousandeth, and twenty-nineth attempt to reach a higher level of success. However, this is what living a life of insanity is about, when time after time we try doing something, and we get the same results. This was what Einstein defined as Insanity.


A close friend and I decided to start reading the book The Search for Signifance by Robert S. McGee. I have actually read this book in the past. The first time was when I had taken my first counseling class in undergraduate. It really spoke powerful words into my life. I was a troubled sophomore hungry for the attention of my classmates, professors, and girls. I was always at the mercy of getting people's affirmation. I mean I was a sophomore. Soph coming from the greek word sophia meaning wisdom. Omore, coming from the greek word, morion meaning foolish. I was a wise fool. However, days have gone by, and I am at a different season of my life, but reading this book again.


This book is quite challenging. McGee writes, "We may refuse to look honestly within for fear of what we'll find, or we may be afraid that even if we can discover what's wrong, nothing can help us" (3, McGee). This book takes serious effort to explore difficult reasons a person is searching for significance. Many might not pay attention to their understanding of self-identity, but we all have an identity. A person's identity plays a primary role in being able to step off their own platform of epistemology into every experience of life.  Their identity gives them a lens of interpreting life.


Furthermore, this identity could be wrapped up in their job title, in their success, and more than likely in their abilities. The truth of those entitlements is that they tend to run out of substance, value, and consistency. Therefore a  person continues to search looking for something that will continue to have that same residual value that will contain their identity. But within this book it challenges the reader to find signifiance in something (or someone) that will not give up, have lack of sustainability, or even become an enemy.

McGee writes, "we begin to admit that we really do feel negatively about ourselves and have for along time" (pg. 7). This is ironic, because in this season of my life, I am combating loneliness. I am constantly fighting the notion that "what if..." I had a roommate, and "What if..." I was married, or in a long-term committed relationship, "what if..." I was at a party with friends then things would be different. The truth is that although this is a different season, with different symptoms, I am once again being reminded of an important notion. The only person's affirmation that matters is God's.


God has to change me from the Inside Out. 
God is changing me everyday. 
God is creating me to be a person who is sustain by his love, and affection.
God will be relentless for me. 


The song From the Inside Out continue by singing the words,
"Your will above all else
My purpose remains
The art of losing myself in bringing you praise
Everlasting, your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, your glory goes beyond all fame."


I have only finished the first chapter of this book, but I am already losing my self in God's love and adoration. He truly wants his son (me), and that is the only person that should ultimately matter whether he loves us. There are many great people out their, with great jobs, who have great abilities, but I am looking for a life of longevity. I find my contentment in the love of heavenly father who sent his beloved son so that I may encounter his love and affirmation on a daily basis. 


I will blog again (lord willing) when I finish the second chapter.
Led By Him,
Ephraim.

Moving Forward Onto BIG Dreams...

I remember as an 8,9, 10 year old being bullied, from every corner of the playground, every classroom. People would make fun of me because of my economic status of being poor, because i didnt were the trendy clothes, because i wasnt the smartest person in the room, or even the best looking. I remember how i let those thoughts trample my dreams and my hopes. How these young boys would harass and create great terror in my life. I always thought little of myself, and very little of what future i had. I think its quite ironic that as I face the stage in bodybuilding, im working through those fears. I am allowing the mirror to represent the truth of how far I have come from the 100lb guy i was when i first moved to states. I share this on Alex's page, because i think we all have a story to share. Im not intimated by those in the gym. I just know that I have a goal, and i am going to work my a** off to get there. Dont ever let anyone tell you different. It really doesnt matter what is in the past. Allow yourself time to forgive your enemies, and move onto the great things in front of yourself. David writes in his book of psalms, that God wants to give us the desires of our heart. I desire to win! I desire to conquer my weakness, even it means doing legs 3x a week. I promise you this, if there's a will, there's a way. Thanks for letting me share :)

Fear, Anxiety, Intimidation, are few of the traps one must avoid. This is a must because of many reasons. Fears allow the self to believe that there is insufficient quantity to pass the goal intended. Anxiety paralyzes the body to move forward. Intimidation creates the idea that one is unequal then another. Therefore these all fit into a category of unnecessary.

However, we live in a world where many are consumed by these traps. I would speculate to call them negative feedback loops. However, they get people stuck, and unable to move on, and the loop can consume someone's day. Therefore hope, rationality, and controversy must be brought to their attention. A person must find its weakness, the ability to defuse the bomb at hand. While the opportunity is provided to grow in more fear, anxiety, and intimidation, the person must find skill in passing through the difficult situation.

When I was a freshman in high school, I had a demeaning job of a paper route. I remember one day I was having a rough day at school, and afterwards I had to do a paper route. While I was peddling away up a sturdy hill, some musical words started simmering out of my mouth. I started to sing... "Open the eyes of my heart Lord, I want to see you!.... Open the eyes of my heart Lord, I want to see you!"

This season in my life has continue to challenge me in various ways. The anxiety has become overwhelming, and seemingly unbearable. However, the truth comes down to the fact that I need to trust God. I need to ask him to open my heart. That I may have a slight moment where I am able to see his strength and courage. It may be a moment where I feel at peace with my life, or a moment where God has got me excited to move forward. This I think answers the question at hand. What is the weakness of Anxiety? The truth is to embrace it and find humility in asking God for peace.

Peter walked on water, and so can I, and so can you.... whoever you are my reader. I hope this brought encouragement

Contentment

I want to argue something that might intially sound confusing. However, I will promise my hardest to explain the hypothetical dichotomy i am processing. Paul says in philippians 4:11, "for I have learned to be content." This is something i truly do struggle with. This idea of contentment seems to be something that i have not got a grip on.

I believe that this idea of contentment is something where you cannot believe that a particular circumstance will give you content. This is something Paul adds to the quote... "in all circumstances." Therefore we must have a foundational piece implemented in our lives to find this truly satisfying contentment. This foundational piece is our epistemology of Christ, and how he can be the only thing we depend on to find satisfaction.

I feel like this is something hard to grasp. Jesus should be the only person we depend on to find satisfaction. Call me hedonistic, but this world seems to offer many possibilities of how to find enjoyment. However, I do not think this is the right rebuttal, to refer to certain temporal objects, but to go further than that.

God created us in his image, and through that we find ourselves to be relational. This is part of the image of God, or what is called in the latin, imago dei. This then enables ourselves to explain some of similarities between humans and God. He lives in a relational community and God made us to be relational creatures. Now, getting back to my point, is how can I (or you) become content in the relational community God provides us?

This seems to be the epitome of where I find struggle and hardship. This meaning that I want contentment in the relational community where I am currently living in. There have been a couple handfuls of people I have truly had a blessing meeting for a small amount of time. I just then ponder, how do these relationships fit into the puzzle pieces of life. How much will that person be a part of my life?

The kicker to the dichotomy is that contentment is important, and we are relational beings, but how do we be content and not have regrets?

I believe I need to be aware of how God has provided me with a solid community, a group of guys willing to keep me accountable, mentors, and those who have great composure during my hard times. I want to find joy as I get the blessing of having individuals who are only "passer-byers." Those individuals who though it feels like you've known them forever, and share wisdom, and impact your life. That they may be people who God can help me be comfortable with walking onto a different area of life where I might not have so much contact.

This is truly a hard practical learning. But I know that this is probably not as much as a dichotomy, as it something that God is teaching me in my relational development.

Sitting on a fence

There are times where life feels like a crossroad. A point where there are many different options to pick from. This point in life can be quite a stumbling block. Even better, it is a point where its stressful to have the point, as well as stressful in making a decision. Those might sound synonymous however the truth is that finding peace and comfort in the decision is twice as difficult.

I have had many important crossroads in my life. For example, the decision that i had to make about staying in England or moving to the states when i was only 13. There was many different factors to consider, as well as it being stressful because God had clearly told me that i needed to make this decision.

I am continously curious behind meaning and purpose of everything in life. I even find myself contemplating the purpose behind simple things such as the timing of incidents. It can be quite a daydreaming consumption, lol! I have come to realize that God has given me the gift of thinking. You could reframe that gift, by just explaining that much of my personality is run through a motor of speaking through my thoughts. Thus, why i appreciate the aspect of blogging.

Therefore, as I find peace in this season of graduate school, i consider the many crossroads ahead. I pray that my decisions will be based on many important factors, not just the existential side of decisions. I find that many errors at times of decisions in my life are because emotions decided to override the decision-making process.

I hope that decisions that will make me a better person will be the ones where i have truly succeeded. It can always be discouraging when looking back you know you made a detrimental mistake. But I hope as i am maturing (through the lord's eyes) I will become a better person, maybe a pro at these crossroads. Crossroads can be difficult to evaluate, but with a guided spirit, a great sense of accountable community. These crossroads might start to get easier.

A Walmart Shopping Cart

Have you ever been in the middle of a conversation and had the urge to take a walk?

You are sitting contemplating how so many things are distracting you. You want to focus your attention on your friend's interaction. I was honored to have a close friend talk about many different subjects. This time was full of sharing pain, joy, confusion, and love which brough insight and wisdom.

So I bluntly asked... "Can we could go grab some items and Walmart?" and she responded "Yes!" This gave me the chance to walk, think, and continue to share our stories of recent events. I was astounded by how much care, compassion, and truth was offer in a such a small amount of time.

God has been working on my attitude of living in Arkansas. I continue to wrestle God so much about every opportunity provided here for me, and find moments where it seems that we have different agendas. However, my community around me has started to become more detailed and consistent. This has enabled me to let my guard down and allowed myself to connect more with those who are involved in the workings of my life.

Therefore I want to just say that God does not stop working on our lives. He will work on our lives until we hit the grave. This is hard to come to grasp because I think that I have worked on many difficult things in the past, and want God to so desperately give me the green light. However, he has work to be done, and that work is through me on various facets of my faith. This sounds big, but in the moment it truly is small.

Those moments have been small, but extremely difficult to understand what God is trying to teach me. I am growing in awareness of things that are not where God wants them to be. In addition, I continue to find myself using my own strength to get through these moments and God has open hands waiting like a sweet gentlemen to move these mountains in my life.

When that shift happens it is something so experientially rewarding. I cannot fathom the weight that has been lifted when I realize that Jesus is enough! He truly has the ability to reward me when he gives me an opportunity to conserve my energy for other important tasks than waisting them on frivolous anxieties. It has a residual effect. Basically this moment encourages God to figure out what needs to change, and allow me to focus on other opportunities that will bring me closer to him. This is satisfying and good for the soul.

I was reminded that my identity is found in God, nothing else!

Seriously I am his Child, and through that relationship I find peace and nothing else!

Furthermore, I am able to rest in his peace, and get to continue my rewarding relationship with Christ.