How do I wake up?

Man, Where have I got in life? What has the conclusion of these 23 years succeeded with? How have I use my time wisely? Questions that come to mind, if life was to end this evening. Not that I am thinking of suicide, or even harming myself. But what if? What if Jesus did turn up? Would I be in a posture of worship? Would I be in a posture of sin? How can I know when that time will be? Questions are running around my mind like a Ferris wheel captivated by darkness.

Jesus even said, "But concerning that day and hour no one knows, not even the angels of heaven, nor the Son, but the Father only" (Matt 24:36)." Therefore my mind runs as my anxiety builds. I am so far away from God. The depth of my heart is only as deep as a puddle on a monday morning shower. I wonder at times if my heart of stone has been changed for a heart of flesh (Ez 36:26).

For some strange reason, the transition from Joplin to Northwest Arkansas has created a tornado in my life. There has been too much change and not enough stability. Change from new friends, a new gym, a new job, new job friends, a new church, a new education environment, and the changes continue. I take the time to transition from old relationships to new relationship and there are times where i miss what i was use to, and what felt comfortable. I was moving towards christ but now I feel like the train fell off the track.

I find it so hard to stay on track, and focus. I find it incredible to be content with my living situation. I had an invitation to move closer to my job, church, gym, and community of friends. However, God, put a tension in my heart to say no. Yes! I listen to both sides- the side of moving there, and the side of not moving there. However, the spirit held the opportunity like a door closed. I respect that God is speaking to me in this uncomfortableness. But when will I feel strong because I feel weak!

When I walk into my apartment I am tired, exhausted, trying to process all the actions, comments, decisions made, decisions not made, and what I need to do, and how will tomorrow run. I have become a Martha, instead of Mary (Luke 10:38-42), and I lay down and become apathetic. The mind goes into autopilot, and I find myself becoming a sinful monster. I am in a trance. When will I become a proactive, young man, making the time I have been given useful?