Thanksgiving

1) I hope that people who have a difficult year (like me), i hope they are surrounded by those who are encouraging, ready to have fun, and full of love.

2) You don't have to be whatever people have told you your whole life. You have the choice to be something different

---- To continue this thought: What if you have always thought I am ugly, because people have always told me I am ugly. That is not what God wants for you. God wants you to be happy, and being the "ugly" person that people have always told you makes you unhappy, then search for what God wants you to be that makes him and you happy. The truth is God picked you! He picked you to be on his team. He picked you to be his lover, and is pursuing a deep relationship. Therefore a deep relationship with him, will make both of you happy, for the relationship to be successful. What makes both of you happy - a) God is glorified, and b) you satisfied.

My whole life people have told me i am "ugly." I do not have to be "ugly." I have choice to be handsome, sexy, good looking, and happy!

- Just a thought for thanksgiving. Be thankful for God pursuit in your life for you to be happy when he is most glorified!

Hardship

"I am jealous of you, Aaron!" The college age minister says to me. My face makes an expression of confusion, with my eyebrow popping upwards. The college age minister continues and says, "I am jealous that your uncomfortable, because I know that Jesus is with you." It is so easy to be comfortable and forget to continue to chase after a more deeper level of faith.

The hardship of this summer keeps rolling. I want to so badly enjoy another savory taste of camaraderie, community, fellowship, laughter, and freedom. These words could easily be summed up by a simple word, intimacy.

I want camaraderie with those who I have built friendships with. This camaraderie does not even have to be people i have know for long. There are people that you hang with, chill, and kick back that make you think, "I feel like I've know this person forever!" I love those kind of people, and that making hanging out such a good time.

I want community! I want to be apart a group of people that know each other's lives. This would include a group of people of all sorts of backgrounds, ethics, personalities, career choices. It would not mean anything to me, but a consistent group of people that I could share live with. I love community and just the blatant honesty to say I am hurting here, or needing something here, but to have a community that supports me.

I want to fellowship with people. I want to be able to have company over. The people share food, drinks, memories and laughter. We take Friday night's by the ear, and make them into evenings of celebrations of each others lives no matter how petty the celebration is. We are creating some form of social invitations and making sure people are apart of something big. Man i use to have this.

My life use to have such a strong social structure or what some sociologists would call an ecosystem. I had a structure of people who pour into me, then i would have long and full plateau of peers, friends, buddies, people, coworkers i socialized with frequently. My life was not boring.

The sadness of life currently stems around the fact that loneliness is my scheduled everyday. I wish i knew how to fill all those spaces with fellowship, community, camaraderie. Therefore these facets would bring in laughter and freedom from this awful loneliness. This loneliness can easily get to a point of feeling helplessness, hopelessness, and just not having a purpose. People are tangible aspect of intimacy that God wants to have in our relationship with him. Even though he is the only purpose that can bring satisfaction in our lives. The truth still returns to what John Piper right as the over arching idea in his book, Desiring God, "God is most glorified in me when I am most satisfied in him."

Therapy.... learning

Seinfeld has been "as a show that is about nothing." This means that something random happens in the beginning of each episode. However, the main characters start to talk, and they start to construct meaning. These people create a social construct. Collaborative Conversational Therapy is the same - it is a model that is about nothing. (Needs Further Information and Editing).

Reality is constructed through interaction via language

Imagine that I took you to XNA, and put you on a plane to go to Mozambique. Then we would get in a jeep and drive 14 hours into the bush hills. This would be for a missions organization who found a tribe unlike any other. You would interview them, and get to know their culture. You probably wouldn't offer advice, you would get to know the culture. "You put a container of water, on your head, and travel for 12 miles." You learn

"Being a Conversationalist Archeologist" - Dr. Ryan Rana

The Clock Keeps Ticking

It truly has been ten years since I got on a plane to follow after the call of God. I was kneeling in a small compact room in a youth building in Belfast. God talked in a loud, crystal clear, assertive voice. He said, "I want you, Aaron, to go to America!" You could have frozen time and seen a face of pure confusion. I thought I was overhearing a conversation with someone else. I heard my name, I did not forget my name, but I was unable to captivate the immense impact of what God was saying. I wanted to continue on the path that would lead me to destruction, selfishness, and ideation of gratification. However, God was just getting the general idea into the mind of a little boy who was about to go on a journey for godly men.

I turned up on the doorsteps of a loving couple. They both had their own problems, idosyncracies, and issues. However, their desire was for young men and women to be able to stand the tests of time from the strength they had in their faith. There were many days of arguing, bitterness, frustration, more arguing, and moments of malice. However, God got me through my high school years by celebrating it with a high school graduation. Man, that was just 5 and a half years ago.

I continued my pursuit. How was God going to use me? I applied to a small undergraduate christian college in the Midwest. If you spiritually could analyze my progress you could see that God, had got some chips off my shoulder, wipe off a lot of dusts, and got my glasses in the right position. However, the external looked pretty good, but now God was going to put my heart under the microscope. I went into an environment where men would ask each other difficult questions, "What s**t do you have in your life that is not making Jesus the center of your life?" Questions that shook the tiny shack that I built which I named my faith. My professor would accelerate this process of education by asking students theological questions which would cause them hours of deep thinking, researching, and much prayer. God wanted me to take a sledge hammer to the callousness of my heart.

I started to see that I was going to need to step up to the plate and bat the ball out of the park. And if i could not bat the ball out of the park. I was going to take what education, advice, encouragement, and hard-work to help me to get to the point where i could bat the baseball out of the park. I worked diligently. There where many hours where scripture was on my mind. Scripture which teachers had been strategically put in my mind to help me to become a better man of God.

I have been able to bat the ball many times out of the park. I have learn methods that have great success with mentoring. I have learned scripture that is imbedded in my heart; therefore, when sin stands at my door I am able use scripture offensively. I take time to fast, and disconnect from the world, and reconnect with God. I am grateful I have gone through what I have gone these past ten years, but struggle to succeed in the "todays" and "nows." I must find the method to putting to death this monster of sin in my life. I must learn how to do the things i need to do to just get through today.

I have this crazy notion that maybe if i change for a certain length of time i will change. I believe maybe if i read so many books, chapters, I will change. I have yet to see the reward in this form of behavior modification. Instead of external modification, I must find opportunity for internal modification.

In my graduate class that I am taking I learnt a new idea, which is related on the former statement. These definitions will help further explain why this idea is impertinent

1st order of change: change of behavior

2nd order of change: change in the system's structure.

If I must create change, then i must change the system's structure. I cannot just change behavior, I must change the rules that govern the behavior. I have been trying to explore and ponder what I can do to make that happen. Therefore I must start on the inside. I must start at my heart, and beckon the spirit to change my heart.

I have much callous, and much change needed. However, I believe there will be a day when I will bat the baseball out of the park, not just once, but twice, and again, and again. I will show the strength of my faith in Christ to the sin that so easily entangles me.

How do I wake up?

Man, Where have I got in life? What has the conclusion of these 23 years succeeded with? How have I use my time wisely? Questions that come to mind, if life was to end this evening. Not that I am thinking of suicide, or even harming myself. But what if? What if Jesus did turn up? Would I be in a posture of worship? Would I be in a posture of sin? How can I know when that time will be? Questions are running around my mind like a Ferris wheel captivated by darkness.

Jesus even said, "But concerning that day and hour no one knows, not even the angels of heaven, nor the Son, but the Father only" (Matt 24:36)." Therefore my mind runs as my anxiety builds. I am so far away from God. The depth of my heart is only as deep as a puddle on a monday morning shower. I wonder at times if my heart of stone has been changed for a heart of flesh (Ez 36:26).

For some strange reason, the transition from Joplin to Northwest Arkansas has created a tornado in my life. There has been too much change and not enough stability. Change from new friends, a new gym, a new job, new job friends, a new church, a new education environment, and the changes continue. I take the time to transition from old relationships to new relationship and there are times where i miss what i was use to, and what felt comfortable. I was moving towards christ but now I feel like the train fell off the track.

I find it so hard to stay on track, and focus. I find it incredible to be content with my living situation. I had an invitation to move closer to my job, church, gym, and community of friends. However, God, put a tension in my heart to say no. Yes! I listen to both sides- the side of moving there, and the side of not moving there. However, the spirit held the opportunity like a door closed. I respect that God is speaking to me in this uncomfortableness. But when will I feel strong because I feel weak!

When I walk into my apartment I am tired, exhausted, trying to process all the actions, comments, decisions made, decisions not made, and what I need to do, and how will tomorrow run. I have become a Martha, instead of Mary (Luke 10:38-42), and I lay down and become apathetic. The mind goes into autopilot, and I find myself becoming a sinful monster. I am in a trance. When will I become a proactive, young man, making the time I have been given useful?